How to have a kinky wedding…without having a kinky wedding

Sade and I have been busting our balls lately. She’s been deep in her class work and I’ve been working my day job followed by my night job and managing the podcast.

In what little spare time we have we’ve been planning our wedding. One issue we’ve come upon is how we can incorporate aspects of our D/s relationship without most of the guests knowing that we’re incorporating aspects of our D/s relationship.

Out of all of our guests who are planning to attend, I’d say about half of them are vanilla and have no clue about this other side to our relationship and frankly we’d like to keep it that way.

So we’ve been toying with ways on how we can be kinky while seeming to be vanilla.

One thought is that we can say our vows and at the end briefly whisper something to each other that only the other can hear. Another thought is to have the person officiating the wedding (who’s in the lifestyle) say something in another language knowing that none of our guests speak it.

That’s all we’ve come up with so far but we’re entertaining other ideas on how to secretly kinkily our ceremony.

  1. I know (from listening to your podcasts) that you’re not into x-dressing, but that’s what we did at ours: I wore stockings and a garter underneath the customary attire. We also visited fun places in London, Amsterdam, and Berlin on our honeymoon.

    • We’re hoping to save up enough to go on a kink honeymoon as well. It’ll be a unique experience to go to an event where nobody knows us.

  2. Three ideas:

    1) After the traditional vows, you could have the officiant tell the guests you’ve written vows for each other – – vows that are only for the two of you to hear (of course, you put your kinky D/s stuff on the ‘private’ vows). Then you can either pull out one or two sheets of paper with your written kinky vows to each other and sign them publicly, then fold them back up and put them away (or give them to Sade). Then the ceremony progresses as usual.

    2) I’m not sure if you’ve ever seen this, but people who get married on the beach sometimes have ‘sand ceremonies.’ They’re sort of like the traditional candle ceremonies, only each partner has some small container of sand, and they each pour it into one larger container symbolizing ‘two becoming one’ or some such romantic stuff. You can have a sand ceremony, only instead of both pouring your own sand into a large central container, you could pour all of your stand into Sade’s container… don’t say a word about it… just let the vanilla guests think you fucked it up. :)

    3) Sade should make you kneel on rice while you’re writing your kinky vows. :) (or just kneel on rice for the hell of it) Mix that rice in with the rice guests throw at the wedding. (I’ve heard uncooked rice will hurt birds who eat it, so not sure this is a good idea for outdoors). Hell, kneel on rice every night so you have enough kinkified stuff for everyone to throw. :)

    • These aren’t bad DD,

      Since we are getting hitched on a beach the sand idea may work pretty well. Plus I can play it up after by saying “oh man I fucked up the sand!”

  3. omg! you’re engaged! where have I been?! I haven’t been keeping up with any writings online really, is where I’ve been. I definitely have an ambivalent relationship to “marriage” as an institution and political act and blah blah blah, but I also really adore how two people declare their love in public surrounded by the people who pledge to support them. so, I’m excited for you.

    and also! mostly vanilla wedding with subtle D/s!? I love that as a puzzle! I often feel like so many of the weddings I go to have subtle D/s in them (just part of the “till death do us part” wedding culture). but, as someone in a power dynamic who would definitely want that to be part of my wedding (if ever I were to have one), I am very curious what you’ll come up with.

    • What? You mean you’re not following my every move Sinclair? For shame!

      Tell you what, I’ll pick your brain for some more ideas when you’re on the show again.

  4. Hey,
    I have an idea or two.
    First thing that comes to my mind is a chastity device. Nobody would know, except Sade and whoever you tell. Not very original, but easy to incorporate.
    You could take off one of Sade’s shoes and kiss her feet. You could do it publicly at the wedding, as well. Just get one of your kinky friends to play a little game, where you have to do some tasks in order to prove your love or something.
    Rehearse some wedding dance, that has some pseudo kinky elements in it. Kneeling, Sade stepping on you, leading you around by your tie, etc.
    Now I am all out of ideas.
    Anyhow, mazel tov.

  5. Greetings,

    I have two suggestions:

    1) let you guests help. Offer time in the ceremony for each guest – or selected guests – to come and offer a blessing. These don’t have to be public, rather just for you two. Vanilla or kinky they affirm your relationship and commitment.

    2) You already separate vanilla and kink into separate areas of your life – separate your vows. By protecting the vanilla from the other flavors you give them a space for their reality. So do one ceremony for the relationship and another for your commitment to each other.

    3) ok I lied. Wear a remote controlled e-stim device and give the contoller to her. Let her decide how things will go.

    Peace,
    Pat

    • Hey Pat

      Hehe the estim is a great idea thou with a beach wedding where we may end up in the water….actually that would be pretty damn funny.

  6. Perhaps an extra set of vows that you do at a short ceremony right after the main one. Slip off with close kinky friends for 5 minutes. Kneel at her feet and pledge yourselves to each other in this way.

  7. People tweak their vows all the time. You could resurrect the “honor and obey” line from it’s post-feminist death without old Ms. Mcgillicuddy raising an eyebrow. The priest asks her the “have and to hold… etc” version, while you give your “I do” to the “honor and obey” version and you throw in harmless parts like, “to love and to cherish” into both, just to give it a certain aimless quality. I always wanted to pull that off myself. Oh well. Here’s to living vicariously.

    • I thought about that as well. We aren’t religious so there won’t be the traditional “honor and obey” line but now maybe we should squeeze it in.

  8. DD’s suggestion 1 is hot.

    It also acknowledges that wonderful aspect of relationships that no matter what anyone thinks, whether vanilla or kinky, no one outside of a relationship truly/deeply understands that relationship the way the two (or more as the case may sometimes be) IN the relationship always will.

    It’s a beautiful public acknowledgement of the ultimate private intimacy shared.

    If that makes any sense.

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