Introducing Kink To A Vanilla Woman

It was our third date.

She and I had really enjoyed out time together, had many of the same interests, both liked to talk politics, shared the same sense of humor and were mutually attracted to one another.

We had fooled around a bit on our second date. I had felt a hint of dominance from her by the way she aggressively kissed.

Over dinner our conversation turned to sex (thank you Belgian beer) and I thought it might be a good time to bring up my interest in BDSM (no thanks to the Belgian beer).

Me: I must admit, I’m probably kinkier than the average guy

Her: Really? I’m probably kinkier than the average girl too.

Me: Well, it’s nice to meet someone who’s “normal” and yet not vanilla.

Her: Oh I’m NOT vanilla.

Me: Really?

Her: NOT vanilla.

Me: How long have you been into BDSM?

Her: What’s BDSM?

Me: Ummmmm Bondage Domination Sado Masochism

Her: (long pause) Ok maybe I am vanilla.

Me: Well, many people have misconceptions about BDSM. It’s not all about kinky sex.

Her: It’s not?

Me: Not at all. Well, it really depends on the person. I also enjoy serving a woman outside of the bedroom.

Her: Serving?

I went on to explain but I could tell it was over before it even began. It was difficult for her to understand why someone would enjoy pleasing someone just for the sake of pleasing. I think the idea of cleaning and cooking for someone freaked her out more than the ideas of chains and whips.

I’ve never had problems meeting vanilla women who were interested in dating me. It’s a matter of finding one who’s secretly (or openly) dominant that’s the hard part. Everyone I know admits that it’s probably not going to work.

After all, it’s much easier for a dominant guy to introduce BDSM to a vanilla woman than a submissive man to do the same. A Dom can just slowly work it into play. A light spank, maybe some hair puling. What can a sub do? In the throws of passion ask her to beat the crap out of him?

Maybe it’s a bad idea to bring it up within the first few dates but I have neither the time nor the money to spend on someone who’s at least not open to it.

Still, the last thing I want to do is invest time, money and emotions into a relationship that won’t go anywhere. I suppose the question is: What’s the earliest way someone can bring up BDSM without freaking the person out? What’s the best way to bring it up?
Then again, maybe giving up BDSM for someone I love would be the ultimate form of submission.

  1. I’d like to know what her definition of NOT vanilla was. Sounded vanilla to me.

  2. Then again, maybe giving up BDSM for someone I love would be the ultimate form of submission.

    This way lies madness, I think. If you are like the submissives I know, you don’t want just to submit – you want your submission seen, appreciated, demanded, etc. You want to be dominated.

    It’s not possible to submit to being vanilla.

    (I don’t know you, so take this with a grain of salt.)

  3. I agree with Dev. Don’t do that.

  4. So we all agree, this is a very good way to get the spanking you so richly crave…Don’t even THINK about it!

    WX

  5. I realize I’m commenting on a way-old post, but I’m always interested to hear experiences of explaining kink to the vanilla. I find it best to get my date to start talking about his/her proclivities before I delve into mine. Like, I would have made her tell me what “NOT vanilla” meant to her so I could suss out whether or not she was worth sharing my kinks with.

  6. You would drive yourself into complete musery becoming someone youre not.

  7. I realize this post is ancient but I thought I’d comment/share anyway. I agree with Dev – been there, done that. It doesn’t work. No matter how much I care about someone I can’t turn that part of me off. I’m a sub. It’s a part of me.

    I’m usually pretty good at picking the dom guys out of the lot, but sometimes I’m wrong. I was dating one who I thought for SURE had dom tendencies but the first 4 or 5 times the sex was super vanilla. I hinted in all my tried and true ways but he wouldn’t take the hint so late one night I came out and told him I was submissive. He got up and left (from bed, in the middle of the night) and I never saw him again.

  8. I am involved with a man that has been involved with BDSM most of his life as a sub, I met him through a Dominate female friend, things did not work out for them but he met me, liked me, we get along very well, he enjoys life in both worlds, he knew I was not introduced to the lifestyle, and had no expeeience but I am interested, I enjoy kinky sex, and would love for my boyfriend of 18 months to introduce me to at least some of it. Our sex life is good, but he is always on top, me….will, its very vanilla between us and I would like some kink, he feels that he doesn’t see me that way although I have told him I am interested. He has made no effort to try anything new with me, its plain old missionary most of the time although I go down on him he has never done that with me. We love each other, and he says he doesn’t need nor want that kind of relationship with me, sex is pretty much good for the most part, but not much foreplay, and its over pretty fast, we end up getting me off with a vibrator which is about as kinky as it gets. I feel kind of left out of the loop that he has shared his lifestyle with other woman but doesn’t want that with me….we are both in our mid 40’s. I hve a kinky background for sure, but not in the BDSM world. I’m somewhat confused and he doesn’t like to talk to me about it so I have stopped bringing up the subject, I’m afraid our sex life as far as I am concerned will get boring after awhile if we don’t move beyond the very vanilla sex we share. Any thoughts please help, its missionary style, or doggy ..thats it.

  9. PS…. he has never allowed me to be on top I’m always the bottom and he seems to be the dominate in our relationship…..could a sub male turn the tables and prefer becoming a dominate, is he thinking I might get freaked out…I’m really not a submissive woman in the bedroom or in general life….but I do enjoy a colorful sex life.

  10. I vote ‘no’, because it can screw up a good relationship. If we are all just taking things as they come, then is it good to force? I know the odds are against you, as their a not as many domme women and not many of that subset you may like.

    Men often ask me for things but any vanilla man I am seeing, that is what his purpose truly is. Sweet creamy vanilla-pure, clean, intense. Yes, vanilla stuff is just as tasty as the darker varieties of sex.

    When it comes to women, we often have a gut feeling on what can work and what will be a disaster. For kink to be good, it needs to come from the loins and the heart. Anyone could follow the rules but it will not have the passion, that heat which comes one that really loves it. It is the diff between Annie’s boxed mac and cheese, and your own homemade 4 cheese with andouille sausage. Not even close.

    I have loss interest in guys who exposed their kink too soon. I had a gut feeling but I saw we were not a good fit in that context, so I left it alone. Them too, if they were persistent or disappointed.

    However this is your blog, so feel free to ignore me. I am known to be a bit…obstinate in my positions.

    Happy New Year, look forward to more of your thoughts.

  11. What does it mean to be vanilla or taste vanilla or be sweet ?

  12. I don’t envy you having to bring it up to her. Why not have her over to your place and make sure you leave some BDSM books or magazines out where she can’t help but see them. Leave a flogger on the bed. Hang a leash and collar on the door to the outside. Nothing too blatent but enough that she will notice and if she’s interested or knows anything about BDSM the information will be out there. It makes it up to her to break the ice, which could be a good thing.

  13. I need help! I’ve been with a guy a few times, where we hang out and then are sexual, and I realized after the second time that he is probably the most submissive guy I have ever been with sexually.

    He hardly ever contacts me but when I contact him he get right back to me and waits for me to dominantly say that I want him. After we have been together, he always backs off for a while. The last time we were together we discussed his like of submission more and we made some rules. It just made everything we did so much hotter and more intense. I loved it and clearly he did too.

    My question is around dating a sub. He barely contacts me and at most will hint at catching up and that makes me question if he wants something with me or not. It makes me hold back from being really dom when contacting him even though I’m comfortable with it when we are naked. How do you tell if a sub doesn’t want you or just wants you to pursue? I am shy but dom and he is more chatty but sub…

    There seems to be lots of information on the web for female led households but none that I can find about relationships that can be female led from the beginning – including in the getting to know you stages. Any help or advice you can give would be great.

  14. actually, it’s more accurate to say I’m a switch than a dom… I guess that’s why I’m feeling a wee bit lost.

  15. Well after reading this I thought I’d leave a little note. Obviously I’m giong to have to come back to check out some more of your posts ! Thank.

  16. I d do every little thing to read some more about what you wrote! Outstanding post!

  17. Hehe I know this is really old, but just wanted to add that submissive guys should totally look out for the girls that are bossy and work in successful kind of jobs and they have a blunt ‘take no shit from anyone’ personality. I’m one of those, though I work as a teacher. But I’m very moody and have been told I’m a bitch and not shy at all. And well, with that saying I’m very dominate gal. I tend to date the quiet and reserved guys who end up submissive to me naturally without them even noticing. So yeah.

  18. The problem you are dealing with here is a common one these days. People are dumb. D-U-M dumb. And by that I don’t mean that their brains can’t encompass ideas, but more that they are lazy and ignorant–incurious is the word. They get to the point of “I don’t get it” and are very happy to stay right there. I think that is the issue more than their sexual “orientation.”

  19. I hardly leave a response, however after browsing a bunch of remarks on Introducing Kink To A Vanilla Woman | Unspeakable Axe. I do have a couple of questions for you if you do not mind. Is it only me or do some of these comments look like they are coming from brain dead people? :-P And, if you are writing on other online sites, I would like to keep up with everything fresh you have to post. Could you make a list of the complete urls of all your social community sites like your twitter feed, Facebook page or linkedin profile?

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