desperation

Three Dates In One Day

· June 28, 2008 · Thoughts · , , · 24 Comments

A dominant friend is in town this weekend and she met three submissive men in one day.

She wasn’t at a party either. I’m talking three dates with three different submissive men in one day. She’s picky too, she didn’t just meet any guy who was submissive, she had to narrow the candidates down. She had that many options.

I’m lucky if I meet one Domme every fiscal quarter.

Yet I still hear women like Bitchy Jones claiming that there are just as many dominant women as submissive men.

I’m floored by this idea.

If that’s true. Where are they?

I’m not much for faith. I don’t believe in any kind of God either (though he or she can prove their existence right now by getting the Domme of my dreams to knock at my door right now. Ok… now. Nnnnnnow? How about now. Ok, I just proved there is no god.) I need a proof of purchase when it comes to a god and I need one for the “equal number of dommes” theory as well. I’ve seen no evidence of either being true.

Funny how the two beings I’d like to worship don’t exist.

Look, it’s all about economics. There’s an entire industry built around catering to submissive men. If there were an equal number of dominant women to submissive men, then why aren’t there any women out there looking to pay me to submit to them?

There really isn’t any point to this post. Other than the fact that I know a dominant woman that went on three dates in one day.

Three in one day.

Three dates in one day.

Leather Pride Weekend, But I’m Not Proud

· June 20, 2008 · Events · , · 12 Comments

Warning: This post contains more bitching and moaning. Don’t continue reading unless you’re willing to put up with more complaining.

It’s Leather Pride weekend!

I really don’t know what Leather Pride is supposed to be. I mean, I know what it’s supposed to be but I have no clue how I’m supposed to feel it.

I know why others feel pride about the lifestyle and good for them. I’m happy for them. I just can’t relate.

My desire to find a dominant woman for either casual play or something more is a constant source of stress, sadness, frustration and tears. I don’t think I’ve ever felt pride.

I’ve felt leather thankful before. Thankful for the good friends I’ve made. It’s not Leather Thanksgiving however.

I’ve started to get angry at myself for needing this. Angry at myself for having such a deep desire for everything in that last post of mine.

Let’s be honest, it’s not going to happen.

I might as well write a fantasy about winning the lottery on the same day I cure cancer while having sex with my wife, Adriana Lima.

I know what some of you will say right now “No, it won’t happen with that attitude” and you would be right. When I’m happy and optimistic it doesn’t happen either so what’s the difference?

There are times when I want to stop writing here until something happens that’s worth writing about. Part of me feels guilty for always writing about how shitty I feel. I sometimes get worried that I’m annoying readers with all of my bitching and complaining.

Maybe I’ll put up a survey and pose that very question. If I shouldn’t write another word until something happens and until then just stop.

From Wikipedia:

“Pride is an emotion which refers to a strong sense of self respect, a refusal to be humiliated as well as joy in the accomplishments of oneself or a person, group, nation or object that one identifies with.”

I can read the words and it makes sense but the feeling just isn’t there for me.

I will be going to Folsom Street East on Sunday. Doing my best to keep my chin up.

Treated Like An Animal

· June 19, 2008 · Thoughts · , , , , , , · 11 Comments

I’ve had three people ask me what I’m into over the past week.

There’s never a good answer to this one since it all depends on who I’m with, what the energy is and what she’s into.

While I love bondage, I also adore letting the woman relax and enjoy herself while I do all the work of kissing and tasting every inch of her body.

What’s more important is what she is into. If I check out the profile of a woman on Fetlife and read her list of kinks, chances are I’m into most of them.

Then someone asked me what I’ve been fantasizing about lately. That’s a different question.

It depends on my mood of but lately I’ve thought a lot about one thing in particular. I’ve been thinking about being used.

Being tied up and objectified, tortured, teased, abused, fucked and everything else you can imagine.

To be treated like an animal and I don’t mean puppy or pony play.

I’ve been fantasizing about being tied or chained standing up, whipped, punched, clamped, gagged, bent over and fucked. Torn to shreds until I’m on my knees and then finally allowed to taste her. Maybe being teased the entire time until I’m allowed to fuck her or get fucked by her until she’s satisfied and we’re both drained.

I have so much pent up sexual and non-sexual energy, I just need a release. I need to be pushed..far and hard.

So yeah, that’s what I’ve been thinking about lately.

I’m Not A Man. Wait, What?

· June 18, 2008 · Thoughts · , , , , · 13 Comments

A big thanks to Funkybrownchick for writing about how she likes submissive men. Granted she only likes submissive men to be “slightly” submissive (she doesn’t want to hurt them) but it’s still nice to know there are women out there who can see a submissive man as someone who’s still a man. I’ve started to ponder what the difference is between a submissive guy and a slightly submissive guy. That’s for another post.

It’s been something like four months since I’ve been intimate with anyone. The last woman I was with set the bar pretty high so it’s not like I don’t have some wonderful memories. Still…it would be nice not to miss her. It would be nice to meet a distraction or someone to fill the void.

After hearing about a number of my kinky female friends meeting open minded people on okcupid.com, I decided to revisit my account. I’ve sent a few emails but most of them are replied by submissive women.

On the bright side, at least I do get email replies on Okcupid. Even though most aren’t exactly ego boosting.

Here’s one reply I received:

“I read your profile and i’m kinda confused,i’ve never met someone who admits that he want a dominant woman,i thought that man wants to be man. in my past relationships my partners were the dominant ones,but maybe that was the problem:)but i’m dominant at work so i need balance in my life.”

“Have you tried to be a dominant person in a relationship or you alwys were the submissive?In my opinion every normal woman wants to be the submissive in a relationship.”

Yeesh I don’t even know how to respond to that one. I just sat there reading it over and over with my mouth open.

I’ve also opened up a free account on fling.com. There is one catch though, you can’t even read your emails unless you pay. That’s how they get you.

I’ve got a number of emails from women just sitting in my inbox and I can’t read them. What if they’re from the Domme of my dreams? Of course each email lets you see who the email is from and wouldn’t you know they’re all fetish models.

They also claim to have a “hook up guarantee”. If you don’t “hook up” with someone after three months, you’ll get three months free. I can’t seem to find what they consider a hook up though. I’m looking and looking and can’t seem to find the fine print on this deal.

It can’t be any worse than adultfriendfinder, collarme or alt. At least the women on OKcupid will email back.

Rejection is sometimes better than being ignored.

Sometimes.

Not As Desperate As I Once Was

· April 8, 2008 · Thoughts · , , , · 11 Comments

It’s kinda lame when I think back at how desperate I used to be.

I used to spend hours every night browsing alt, craigslist, collarme. Hours and hours lost that I’ll never get back.

Here are a few things I used to do that I’ve stopped doing as of this past winter.

-I had an alert that would pop up on my desktop every time a dominant woman would post an ad on craigslist.

-I’d agree to meet any dominant woman, even if I knew she was only looking for money. I’d hope that I’d be good enough to make her reconsider.

-I’d post an ad almost every other day on craigslist and reply to every one I could find in NY and NJ. (I had to make a separate email account due to the massive number of spam emails I’d get).

-I’d log onto collarme every morning, lunch-break and night to see if any new dominant women had signed up for the service so I could be one of the first to email her.

-I would rent a car or take a train to travel hours just to meet someone for the first time (usually only to turn around and leave shortly after meeting them or being stood-up by them).

-I paid the big-bucks for a gold membership on alt with all the bells and whistle, knowing that there are some women who won’t even blink at a guy unless he’s paid for the expensive membership (one woman said “It’s how I can tell he’s serious”).

So now. Not so much. I know why I’m not so desperate too. I met someone who changed my perception entirely. She had never even heard of collarme. She hadn’t even searched for it because she didn’t need to. Any guy would submit to her.

I realized that there are more dominant women who never go on alt, collarme or craigslist. Sure, some do, but most don’t. Why spend hours on those websites when most aren’t even there?

Maybe I’ve just accepted the fact that there’s really not much one can do. Just try and relax, enjoy your time with your friends, make some new ones and hope for the best.

I still show my desperate side now and then but for the most part…it’s just me being really really eager.

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