Or, why am I still writing?

Everything I write sounds exactly the same doesn’t it? It’s just one big bitch and moan session after another. I sit down and write something in 5 minutes and look at it days later and think “Fuck it sounds like it’s one big pity party” or “I wrote about this exact same thing a month ago”. Am I so passionate about the subject matter that I can rehash the same thing over and over again? Do I just not have anything else to talk about?

I can tell you exactly what my next thousand posts are going to be. More bitching and moaning about the lifestyle, the lack of dominant women, questions about kink that I haven’t experienced, the list goes on. More of the same really.

Nothing’s new. Nothing’s on the horizon.

I really really need a hobby.

Lately I’ve been wondering if being submissive is really an orientation. Is it a need or a want?

I’ve always felt that it is a need but now I realize that there are different levels of need.

For example: My need for oxygen is much higher than my need for a job. If I ever have to choose between being a wage slave and breathing, it’ll be an easy choice.

What if there’s a choice between being really kinky and being with someone? What if the choice was being submissive and alone or being vanilla and with someone you adore?

What if the choice was to act vanilla and not be alone or be true to myself and risk always being alone? It happens all the time. If you go to events in NYC you can be sure to run into guys ten or twenty years past their retirement and they’re still looking for a Domme.

I’ve met a reader recently for coffee and was told: “I thought you’d be sadder in person”. I do a good job of covering it up. Most of the time I am pretty happy but these past couple of months have been harder to hold back my sadness. Or maybe it’s self-pity.

I’ve done my share of crying the past few weeks. Sexy right? Wish I could say it was because a hot dominant woman was putting me through my paces. I feel very alone. If it weren’t for my many friends I would have holed up long ago. My friends are the only reason I get up in the morning. I need that paycheck to go out for drinks, coffee or window shopping in Soho.

On the bright side I have been working out more often. Yoga and just stuff at home. I need to buy different shoes since the converse all-stars aren’t the best for running. It’s a good stress reliever.

So, I can save you some reading time right now. I can tell you that my next billion posts will probably be more of the same.

Yeah, I’m starting to annoy myself too.

Poor me, poor me, right?

My therapist friend would say that I write these posts as a way to vent. Another would say I do it for the attention.

They’re probably both right.

The fact is, I’m not alone. I need to keep reminding myself of that. I’m one submissive guy out of many that are feeling this exact same thing. Go to any BDSM dating site and you’ll find clones of guys just like me. It could be worse, I could be in a vanilla relationship with a wife that doesn’t suspect.

But would that really be worse?

I’ll let you in on a secret. I was married once. I married young and divorced young. She was very vanilla and the sex was infrequent at best but I did love her. I gave up my submission for her. I assumed that my kinky feelings were just unrealistic and besides, I loved her. It lasted just over a year. The divorce was her idea and it was probably one of the friendliest divorces you’ll ever hear about. I’m glad she left me now because it freed me up to try and reclaim who I really am.

But this really doesn’t feel like I’ve reclaimed anything. I’m just spinning my wheels.

So, expect more of the same for the near future.

Why is it I don’t ask someone if she wants to play with me?

I have yet another good example:

Ages ago I met someone I was dying to play with. If that meant sex or play…anything. I just wanted to experience something with her. I built up my courage (beer helped) and put it out there as sincerely as I could. She didn’t say yes and she didn’t say no. She just…..nothing.

That was my answer.

Now and then our paths will cross. We’ll exchange pleasantries but that will be it. Nothing more.

It’s uncomfortable and I feel like a total ass.

I don’t imagine in a million years that it will happen now. I’m just interested in friendship with her. But now, because it’s out there, there will be no friendship it seems. Just a casual hello now and then.

I pretty much ruined what could have been a great platonic friendship because I expressed my desires.

Why in the world would I risk that again?

I know some would say “what if she had said yes”.

True. But she didn’t.

They don’t.

I’ve decoded another personal ad once before.

A friend emailed me a craigslist post recently to give me a heads up of a dominant woman looking for a submissive.

It’s most appreciated of course. I told him that after reading the post, I could tell i was not the submissive for her.

“I am in my mid-twenties, and seeking a partner. I want a best friend, a provider, and a lover all in one person.”

Unless she’s talking about me providing her with canned ham and the occasional beer. My income level wouldn’t allow that.

“I want this man to be a masculine alpha. He should be well-groomed, in-shape, tall, and intellectual. He need not take the world seriously, but be a lover of philosophy. He must be spiritual. He must aim to succeed in his career, but value leisure. He must want to have children.”

Spiritual scares me. I hope she doesn’t mean going to church. Going to church might be a hard limit. The part about my career also makes me thing nothing will ever be good enough for her. As far as wanting children goes….not so much.

“He must be stoic in public, but seek to be overwhelmed by my femininity in private. I want a man who is dominant in public, but submissive in private.”

I have a few posts about this topic in the past. It’s still frustrating to read. Not to mention, I’m hardly stoic.

“I want to be in control in bed most of the time. I want to tell him when we can screw. I want him to beg for it. After I deny sex to him for long enough, I want him to overpower me. “

So let me see if I understand this. She’s going to deny me until I overpower her? Why don’t I just overpower her every night since that seems to be the only way I’ll ever have sex? What if my idea of “long enough” is one day, while her idea is one month?

I sound cranky….I know.

Yeah…I still sent her an email.

I’m trying to be nice, cordial and not complicate things.

I’m dying to taste you. Feel your fingers running through my hair while I suck your clit into my mouth.

I smile, make small talk, try to make you laugh and try to make you a new friend.

Feeling the soft skin of your perfectly shaped inner thighs on both sides of my head.

I don’t care if you tie me up and do a million amazingly dirty and evil things to me or if I just go down on you. Whatever, please, just do it.

This is one of the many times I regret not being dominant. If the roles were reversed I’d order you to let me please you.

All I can do is beg, and I can’t even do that.

So, I just smile and try to make you smile.

It is what it is.

But I wish it were different.