Events

Submissive Or Slave?

· October 18, 2008 · Events · , , , , , , , · 20 Comments

I had an interesting yet frustrating conversation with someone who questioned why I call myself submissive and not a slave.

For those of you that don’t know, there always seems to be a big argument in the BDSM community over who should call themselves submissive and who should call themselves a slave. Frankly I stopped giving a shit what people call themselves long ago.

The conversation went something like this:

Dominant guy: God… you should use the slave title. You are obviously looking for a service oriented position to where the Dominant in return gives you structure and stability. The only worry that you SHOULD have is serving your Master.

Me: Most Dommes seem to want a submissive in the bedroom but a vanilla guy outside of it.

Dominant guy: Stay away from the submissive title. It scares Masters like me away. Haha

Thankfully I’m not interested in a dominant guy so it really doesn’t matter if it scares away masters (lowercase on purpose) like him. It’s funny how that works though, dominant guys seem to be more interested in D/s than dominant women. I’ve been to a number of D/s oriented events, the last one I went to had maybe 50 gay couples, 50 Dominant male/submissive female couples, a few lesbian couples and two dominant women/male submissive couples.

Many dominant women have expressed to me their desires for a “submissive sometimes in the bedroom but my equal outside of it”. That’s the reason I shy away from calling myself a slave. It scares women off. Not only that, since I’ve pretty much given up on finding anything other than casual play, more and more women seem comfortable with someone who just submits to them in the bedroom. I’m all for that. Sure there’s a part of me that craves D/s, but the part of me that is dying to try out new things in the realm of BDSM overrides the part of me that needs D/s.

I’d rather be a submissive with a chance of getting fucked and toyed with than a slave who’s got no chance in hell.

I’m even cautious about mentioning my interests in D/s when someone asks me what I’m into since that’s enough to scare some off. I should maybe only qualify it by saying “look, someday, if I met someone who wanted to own me outside the bedroom, then great. But right now I’m only looking for casual play”.

Here’s another example from someone after she discovered D/s was something I enjoy:

“Yikes, are you someone that lives the lifestyle 24/7? Im not really down with that. I love sex with down right perversion, but Im not looking to own anyone…thats too heavy for me.”

It took me a while to convince her that I was perfectly happy just having sex with perversion but my interests in D/s may have cost me a one night stand with someone who enjoys things I’m dying to try.

So maybe I am a slave if that’s someone who enjoys D/s outside the bedroom. If that scares you away then I’m submissive. If that scares you away then I’m just kinky. If that scares you away then I’m just jerking off at home.

You Say Goodbye, I Say Hello

· September 23, 2008 · Events, Thoughts · , , , , · 14 Comments

I was given a paradox recently.

How do you please a woman who is most pleased by you not trying to please her?

How does one play hard to get in order to attract a woman who would rather have a guy she needs to push into submission as opposed to a guy who’s dying to get on his knees from the start?

I find that there’s no middle of the road for me. When I’m confident, many just assume I’m dominant and when I’m eager to please I’m too submissive.

Surely there must be a middle spot somewhere. (and don’t call me Shirley).

I’ve been meeting some cool new people lately. People in and out of the lifestyle. Ok…Women in and out of the lifestyle. I seem to always wonder if it’s a date or if I’m just hanging out as a friend. I always go into it assuming friends and not displaying any kind of interest. It’s so much better that way. No hard feelings, not needing to worry about getting shot down or being too eager. After all, if she’s interested, hopefully she’ll indicate in some way right?

I’ve never been good at reading signals from women. I have no clue when they’re attracted to me unless they pretty much hold up a sign.

It is very easy to misread playful flirting for real sexual interest however. Especially in the kink scene.

A woman can grab a guys package in leu of a handshake or a hug to say hello and it probably only means “hello” (It’s happened on a number of occasions). Because of this I’ve learned to tune out just about every form of flirting. I think the only way I’ll get the hint from here on is if a woman grabs me and says “I really want to fuck you. I’m dead serious. No… really. I’m not kidding here. See? This is me giving you my number. Here is the address of where my bed is. This is not a dream, this is actually happening.”.

I’ve found myself giving advice to a number of women lately. Specifically about dating submissive men. I always try to give the best advice I can, though I’m not exactly an expert on the subject. My most trying conversation was when a poly friend was complaining about not being able to find a third partner.

I’ll type that part again:

She was complaining about not being able to find a third partner.

Isn’t that like complaining to a homeless guy about not being able to find a good vacation home?

Overheard In BDSM

· September 16, 2008 · Events · , · 40 Comments

I’m not sure if you’re familiar with Overheard In New York or not. Its an additive site.

Over the past few months I’ve been collecting some choice things I’ve heard in this silly, kinky life of mine. Some aren’t odd as much as they are phrases that remind me I’m not anywhere near the farm that I grew up on.

-‘”Sorry, leather pants don’t count as fetish unless you take your shirt off” (That was actually what I was told at Byte this past Sunday night.)

-“It smells like cock in here.”

-“I don’t want a boy to be my bitch, I want a man to be my bitch”

-“What I would give to have a submissive man here now” (This was said while I was standing right next to her)

-“I’d totally fuck that nun.”

-“I know you’re not into guys, but what if a dominant woman ordered you to go down on me?”

-“This will be the most hardcore BDSM party you’ve ever been to”
Me: “Really? Will there be nudity and sex?”
“No, We’ll be serving alcohol”.

-“She’s very submissive as long as you do what she wants you to do.”

-“He looks better in a dress than I do.” (woman talking to a friend)

-(Woman telling me what she’s looking for) “I’m submissive so I just want a man to clean for me.”

-Woman:”These heels are killing me.”
Random guy walks up to her: “May I give you a foot massage Mistress?”
Woman:”Go away.”

-Guy talking to me about my best friend:”Is she dominant?”
Me:Yes
Guy:”Are you her slave?”
Me:”No.”
Guy:”Why are you hanging around with her then”?
Me:”She’s my best friend”.
Guy:”But she’s dominant!!”

-Woman:”Sorry, I’m looking for a man much dirtier than you”
Me:”I can be dirty.”
Woman:”No, I mean physically.”

-Friend giving me the recap of her date:”He had the smallest penis I’ve ever seen. And I’ve seen a lot.
Me:”Wow that’s bad, I’m sorry.”
Friend:”No, I mean I’ve seen a LOT”

Some Goodies And A Rant

· August 24, 2008 · Events, Links · , , · 5 Comments

Just a few items for you this post:

-If you liked part one, maybe you’d like to read how it looked from her eyes. Silly how she can write half as many words but it sounds twice as hot from her perspective. Reading her write about it makes me blush and gives me a big boost of confidence. I love being thought of as a gift for someone. MVX…Sigh.

-I won’t be able to make it to Dark Odyssey, this year. My funds are more than a little tight these days and I can’t justify paying for it when I could be spending my cash elsewhere. My hunt for a new job has started, it’s slim pickings for a man of my talents. If only NPR was hiring.

-Speaking of radio. I’m shopping around for some podcasting equipment. I hope to have something going by the end of the year. Basically just casual talk about kink. If you or anyone you know is open to sitting down and having your voice broadcast to the masses in a free-from exchange of ideas, let me know.

-While in France, I found the opposite of Found Femdom:

Blech
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-Someone must have emailed the wrong person because I’ve been accidentally invited to join BestSexBloggers.com. Who knew?

-Floating World had its ups and downs. On the plus side I got to see my friend Yin give a presentation. I wish more presentations had that kind of energy to them, classes are so much better when the teacher is having fun and is really into the subject at hand. I also saw my first presentation on CBT from Suzanne SxySadist, it’s made me even more curious about CBT. That was the upside to FW.

The downside was the fact that they didn’t have a professional ASL translator on hand. They had someone who knew about as much American Sign Language as I know (not nearly enough) and this is a problem considering my best friend Bondage Freaky is Deaf and only went because she knew they would have a professional there. PLEASE people, I beg of you, don’t over-promise and under-deliver when it comes to things like that! The guaranteed way to piss me off is to upset a friend of mine. I’ve cooled down (a bit) since then but I’m damn sure I’m going to quadruple-check to make sure everything is up to par with all future events she goes to.

I’ll say this again so there’s no misunderstanding: Floating World is a great event, the presenters are above and beyond, the people you’ll meet there are fan-damn-tastic and the organizers really seem to have it all put together well. BUT….. they really messed up on getting an appropriate ASL translator. I shouldn’t need to explain why having a good translator compared to an OK translator is important, but I will. It’s the difference between reading about a football game in the newspaper where you can only understand every other printed word and sitting on the fifty-yard line live at the same game.

Ok…end of rant.

I’m gonna go read MVX again to put myself in a good mood.

Sigh

TESFest Recap

· July 7, 2008 · Events · , , , , , · 15 Comments

I just walked in the door from TESFest.

A few highlights:

-I learned I can’t go to a CBT class for a number of reasons. I have no desire to see another guys junk, I’m a bit uncomfortable seeing others in pain and part of me starts to feel a bit jealous.

-At nights I would walk though the dungeon area for a few minutes to see if there were any women who looked like they wanted to play but everyone I was attracted to was busy tying someone up, getting tied up or standing with her boyfriend so I went to the bar for a beer. Rinse and repeat, rinse and repeat, rinse and repeat.

–Tilda seems to get cooler every time I see her. Any woman who owns leather converse is a rock star in my book. I tend to “borrow” her confidence whenever I’m around her.

-My best friend bought her first bit of hemp rope from Jocasta. She found two boys to practice on and was beaming after every time she played. Her favorite class was presented by Boymeat and is now planning on getting into electro play.

-One woman (whom I’m always feeling shy around for some reason) suggested I buy a cock ring. I never would have done it but when an attractive woman suggests it and even takes you to the vending area to buy it, one can hardly resist. I was a bit embarrassed when she was talking to the venders about it but was also trying to cover up my obvious arousal.

-I managed to walk by another one of my good friends as she was beating some guy up in the dungeon. It looked so intense I was surprised everyone else didn’t just stop and watch. Normally I’m busy trying to make her laugh, now I’m starting to think I need to get her angry.

–Lolita may have sensed my desperation because she went out of her way to talk me up to one very attractive woman. For a second I thought she may have actually been interested until I realized she had her submissive with her already. Still, it was nice feeling while it lasted. Lolita is the only person I know who could have pulled off being my “wingman” while wearing Mickey Mouse ears. Note to self: Find out how Lolita got her superpowers.

–Calico pinched my butt as I walked by one morning! I thanked her for it of course and was tempted to keep walking by her every time I saw her.

-Rita Seagrave is awesome-tastic. I’ve never been to a presentation like hers before. Can we get an All-Rita cable channel?

–Viviane suggested I take a class on seduction. I’ve never had bad advice from her so I took it. The presenter offered some good advice even though I felt like most of the stuff would work better for me if I were dominant. I did notice a few things I’m doing wrong and perhaps things I need to cover up about my personality. I’ll write more about that later.

-I’ve had a number of emails asking if I used any condoms over the weekend. I have them for sale if anyone wants to buy some unused condoms. They’re out of the box so I’ll offer a discount. I’d return them to the drugstore but I doubt they’d give me a refund, maybe store credit.

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