These last couple of weeks have been rough.
I wish I could blame it on some outside source, point to something or someone to blame but the fact is it’s all in my head.
I’ve been struggling these past few weeks on the fact that I’m unable to give Sade things I’d like to give her.
I’d love to take her somewhere on vacation instead of needing to have a stay-cation, I’d love to be able to take her out to dinners, I’d love to be able to provide her a place to live where we could walk around our block and not worry about our safety.
I need to say at this point that I know these are first-world problems to have. Whenever I’ve felt down about it I eventually remember that, while I haven’t had a raise at my current job in over 6 years, at least I have a job. I’ve got a number of friends who can’t even say that.
It’s important to note that these aren’t things she’s asking for. She’s so understanding and didn’t even flinch when I told her I didn’t think I’d be able to afford to take her on a vacation this year even though last year I sad “hopefully next year”.
Still the fact that I know she could easily find a guy who could give her all of those things and more makes me feel….guilty. Almost like, in our relationship I’m the one getting the better deal.
This snowballs, making me feel insecure and just down in general.
And through all of it she remains supportive, tells me she doesn’t need expensive things and tells me she loves me and always will.
I don’t know what I did to end up with her.
So I’m trying to not mope about it but turn my frustration into some energy that will bring a better life for us in 2013. What is that? I have no idea but I’m going to try and find it.