The Search

My First Night In NYC and My First BDSM club

· January 4, 2008 · Thoughts · , , · 7 Comments

I’ve said before that I move to New York with the hope of meeting a Domme.

My first night in town, before unpacking, before anything, I wanted to go to a BDSM club to meet my future Domme.

I’ll admit I was in total dreamland about the local scene.

“This will be great”, I thought “I’ll meet several Dommes tonight and hopefully have a date or two setup and maybe meet my future owner. it may be best if I don’t unpack my things because she may want me to just move in with her by the end of the month”.

I had no fetish clothing of course. Why would I need any? I had never been to a BDSM club before and had no idea what to expect. Though I did imagine what it might be like.

I had spent months online, emailing people, reading up on the local scene and trying to find the best places to go. My first night was a weeknight so I knew that I would be a fairly light crowd.

I had several options of where to go but I picked one that didn’t sound so intimidating.

Calling it an event is using the term fairly generously. It was more of a gathering than an event. It was at a seedy looking bar and the cover was 30 dollars or something like that.

Ok wait. Imagine this. Farmboy from the midwest, first night in NYC, not knowing how to navigate the subways or even how to hail a cab, going into a BDSM club to find what has brought him here in the first place.

I walked in and (stupidly) was expecting to find this:

What I saw was this:

Ok..not exactly that..but basically a bunch of guys sitting around.

Then I saw her…a very attractive woman sitting on a chair with one guy on each foot worshiping her toes. I asked around and learned that she was a pro and I could worship her feet for fourty bucks or something like that.

It was a bit of a rude awakening but at least I knew what I was in for.

Obviously I had entirely the wrong impression of what the scene would be like in New York.

It’s normally not as bad as my first night out, but I suppose it’s best that I had one of my worst experiences on my first night.

Who knows, maybe there’s an alternate universe where there are a hundred Dominant women for every sub male and I am a very happy boy.

More Drunken Ramblings Of Too Much Honesty

· December 30, 2007 · Thoughts · , , , , · 10 Comments

I’m writing this on the subway going from a ‘nilla party to a lifestyle gathering. I’ve had a number of beers and I feel it would be better if I get this out of my system now so I don’t end up rambling about it among my lifestyle friends:

I had a late lunch with a new friend who asked me if starting this blog was just another way for me to meet a dominant woman or not. Itold her the truth.

If I were writing this blog to meet a Domme I would make it sound less desperate. I would go out of my way to sound smart, funny, confidentand charming. I know how my desperation kills any attraction someone may have for me. Thats why I always need to (try) put on an act when I’m aroundsomeone I’m attracted to. If I were honest about my thoughts and feelings I would come across as desperate because…well..I am.

If you knew someone that packed up and moved to a big strange city for the sole purpose of trying to find a Domme would you think of that as desperate? Maybe….ok probably.

Some move to New York to get their big break. I moved here to find someone to find me broken and put me back together.

Note: its lines like that that I’ll regret posting this in the morning.

I have heard plenty of stories from my dominant friends about how annoyed they get when some “old creep” approaches them at a party andis so desperate to be with them that they get weirded out.

I can’t say that I approve of the way they approach a dominant, but I can sure empathize. After all, that can easily be me in a few years(or months). Honestly I think that the biggest difference between me an those “old creeps” is that my fear of rejection prevents me fromsaying or doing anything that would make me come across as anything but a nice guy. Someday my desperation may very well overwhelm myfear of rejection and I’ll show just how desperate I am and I’ll be just another creep.

So, am I desperate?

Yes

I’m slowly learning to hide it better though and hopefully my over-eagerness will not come through. It’s still hard though.

When I meet someone I’m eager to play with I’ll send far too many emails or text messages, sometimes several a day…or hour. If I were smart I would just play the same game that get’s played in the vanilla world. If you appear as though you have options you increase your perceived value.

In the world of BDSM, openness and honesty are key…unless you want to actually play with someone then you better not tell them how you actually feel.

May wrote this post that gave me a lot to think about. Damn I wish I could put into practice even half of his words of wisdom. He’s the only submissive male I know of in a relationship. Does his wisdom and confidence happen to all sub-males when they find someone? I hope someday I’ll know the answer to that question.

I’ve learned to focus my search for a Domme in three ways.

1: To find the occasional play partner who I can please physically andhopefully explore the many things I have yet to try.

2: To find a Domme that enjoys service so that I may scratch my morespiritual submissive needs.

3: To find a Domme for something long term who will be able to replacenumbers 1 and 2.

Obviously #3 is my highest priority but hey I’m only human.

So I’ll end this rant with this:

Yes I’m desperate, yes I’m needy, yes I know these are qualities that are hurting me more than helping but I’m trying to learn how to cover them up.

Ok, this is my stop. Time to put on a happy and less jaded face.

New Years House Cleaning

· December 28, 2007 · Thoughts · , , , , · 7 Comments

I’m getting ready for the New Year!

I’m still debating on what I’ll be doing for New Years eve. A friend will be heading to BDSM event though not sure I want to shell out the cash for it. I’ve had a number of invitations for parties with some of my ‘nilla friends. I’ll probably end up flipping a coin.

Meanwhile I’ve been doing some New Years house cleaning in preparation for the next 12 months.

I do have a list of goals I’m going to set (one is to get a beating that I can still feel the day after) but my immediate goal is to remove some of the things that have caused me stress over this past year.

I’ve decided not to renew my Alt.com profile. It’s still there, I just won’t be sending any emails. Actually, now that I think of it. I’ll probably get the same number of emails I was getting when the profile was in gold status.

There’s one woman who I’ve been eager to serve, play, worship, do anything with. She knows this and has used it to torment me but not in a good way. She will text or call me, flirt with me just to get me to become eager to be with her, then I won’t hear from her for weeks. Then she’ll do it again, calling me expressing interest in doing something then she’ll cancel our plans the last minute. She’s been like this since I first met her in March. I know what she’s doing. Whenever she needs to feel wanted or desired she calls me. She constantly gets my hopes up only to cancel at the last minute. She’ll talk about wanting me to sleep at the foot of her bed chained and used just to get me excited. Then she’ll cancel hours before meeting. Over and over we’ve played this dance. She’s probably canceled close to a dozen times.

Two weeks ago I sent her a text after once such cancellation:

“Look, you know how badly I want to submit to you. You’ve said that you wanted me just as much as I wanted you. You have me if you want me but there’s nothing more I can do. It’s there to take if you want it, but it won’t be there forever.”

No reply

Today I got a text message from her asking what my plans were for the weekend.

I didn’t respond.

Cleaning house.

Finding The Other 95% Of Dominant Women

· December 17, 2007 · Thoughts · , , , , · 5 Comments

This post by Ms Jones really struck home with me.

For those of you that aren’t familiar, the ratio of Dominant women to submissive men is…well way off. Some say it’s a 1/20. I say it’s 1/98239873498. At least it feels that way.

So how does one find that other 95%? Clearly we need to make the enviroment more comfortable for them so they don’t feel like freaks (or at least in a bad way). We need to sneak more things into our media showing healthy, smart, successful women in control and overpowering men…in a good way.

Ok I got a little turned on there.

Maybe I should run for office and make it a requirement that all women who get a little turned on from the thought of being dominant need to register with the DMV or something. That way you could just look at her drives license and see:

“Oh look you’re an organ donor and you enjoy service, protocols, heavy caning and oral worship”.

It would be so much easier. Then I could get a job as a bouncer and I’d meet plenty every night.

It’s so crazy it just might work.

Another friend pointed out that it’s much easier being a dominant man and gradually introducing BDSM in a relationship than a submissive man. He suggested that I try dominating a little in bed first and then see if she’s more interested in turning the tables on me.

While that may work in theory, I don’t think I could bring myself to do it.

Ownership

· December 14, 2007 · Thoughts · , , , , , · 7 Comments

I have been active in the lifestyle for almost ten years now (though it’s difficult to be active when living in the midwest, hence the reason I moved to NYC two years ago). I’ve been interested in one aspect or another of BDSM for as long as I can remember. While there are many things I’ve tried, there are many more I haven’t. Some are things I would only be able to do within the context of a relationship.

While talking to a fellow sub recently, she posed a thought that I had never crossed my mind.

What if I have some false ideas about what a D/s relationship would be like. What if I wouldn’t enjoy it? What if I am meant to only enjoy casual play and anything longer than a few hours would be too much for me?

Then she brought up another idea….a hair-brained scheme of sorts. One of those “It’s so crazy, it just might work” ideas.

The idea? A full weekend of slavery.

“What if you could spend a whole weekend as an owned submissive? Sure it wouldn’t be anything like a real relationship, but at least you’d have a better feel for what it would be like, you’d at least get a taste so you could find out if you’re on the right path or not.”

I had never questioned if I was on the right path or not, it just felt right. But she did have a point, one that I couldn’t imagine being true, but she still had a point.

A full weekend of knowing what it was like to be under someone’s total control. Of course it wouldn’t be two straight days of play, it would probably be more like a relationship. There may be some play but there would be a lot of down time, perhaps I could do chores/service. Who knows what it would be like.

If it’s hard to find someone for casual play that I’m into and impossible to find someone for a relationship. Finding someone for something in the middle would be difficult.

“You could go to a pro for a weekend” she said.

“Yeah great, I’ll just save every penny for 3 years and let you know how that turns out”.

A few things have come to mind when I contemplate doing this.

-I would have to be willing to travel anywhere in the country to find someone up for this.

-It would have to be someone I totally trusted, spend even more time getting to know them than I would for casual play.

-It would have to be someone who was prepared for my emotional reaction when the weekend came to an end. I have a feeling I would get very emotional after finally having a taste, a very small hint of what I’m looking for and then having that come to an end.

-It would be nice to find someone who actually has some experience in a D/s relationship, someone who knew what the reality was like, or at least someone who had a good idea of what they wanted in the context of a D/s relationship.

-It would have to be someone who wanted to experience it as much as I did.

“That’s a pretty tall order,” my friend blurted.

As we were leaving the diner, she handed me 50 cent’s.

“What’s this for?”

“You might as well start saving for the pro-domme weekend now”.

“Smartass”

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