Or, why am I still writing?
Everything I write sounds exactly the same doesn’t it? It’s just one big bitch and moan session after another. I sit down and write something in 5 minutes and look at it days later and think “Fuck it sounds like it’s one big pity party” or “I wrote about this exact same thing a month ago”. Am I so passionate about the subject matter that I can rehash the same thing over and over again? Do I just not have anything else to talk about?
I can tell you exactly what my next thousand posts are going to be. More bitching and moaning about the lifestyle, the lack of dominant women, questions about kink that I haven’t experienced, the list goes on. More of the same really.
Nothing’s new. Nothing’s on the horizon.
I really really need a hobby.
Lately I’ve been wondering if being submissive is really an orientation. Is it a need or a want?
I’ve always felt that it is a need but now I realize that there are different levels of need.
For example: My need for oxygen is much higher than my need for a job. If I ever have to choose between being a wage slave and breathing, it’ll be an easy choice.
What if there’s a choice between being really kinky and being with someone? What if the choice was being submissive and alone or being vanilla and with someone you adore?
What if the choice was to act vanilla and not be alone or be true to myself and risk always being alone? It happens all the time. If you go to events in NYC you can be sure to run into guys ten or twenty years past their retirement and they’re still looking for a Domme.
I’ve met a reader recently for coffee and was told: “I thought you’d be sadder in person”. I do a good job of covering it up. Most of the time I am pretty happy but these past couple of months have been harder to hold back my sadness. Or maybe it’s self-pity.
I’ve done my share of crying the past few weeks. Sexy right? Wish I could say it was because a hot dominant woman was putting me through my paces. I feel very alone. If it weren’t for my many friends I would have holed up long ago. My friends are the only reason I get up in the morning. I need that paycheck to go out for drinks, coffee or window shopping in Soho.
On the bright side I have been working out more often. Yoga and just stuff at home. I need to buy different shoes since the converse all-stars aren’t the best for running. It’s a good stress reliever.
So, I can save you some reading time right now. I can tell you that my next billion posts will probably be more of the same.
Yeah, I’m starting to annoy myself too.
Poor me, poor me, right?
My therapist friend would say that I write these posts as a way to vent. Another would say I do it for the attention.
They’re probably both right.
The fact is, I’m not alone. I need to keep reminding myself of that. I’m one submissive guy out of many that are feeling this exact same thing. Go to any BDSM dating site and you’ll find clones of guys just like me. It could be worse, I could be in a vanilla relationship with a wife that doesn’t suspect.
But would that really be worse?
I’ll let you in on a secret. I was married once. I married young and divorced young. She was very vanilla and the sex was infrequent at best but I did love her. I gave up my submission for her. I assumed that my kinky feelings were just unrealistic and besides, I loved her. It lasted just over a year. The divorce was her idea and it was probably one of the friendliest divorces you’ll ever hear about. I’m glad she left me now because it freed me up to try and reclaim who I really am.
But this really doesn’t feel like I’ve reclaimed anything. I’m just spinning my wheels.
So, expect more of the same for the near future.
17 Comments
Axe – I know you only by what you post but am drawn to you for some reason. There is something so raw and sweet about you and I find myself returning time and time again to read what you’ve written. The aching, vulnerability, and genuine desire to serve hooks something in me and I like it. It’s tempting to cash in some frequent flyer miles and have you out here to serve me for a day. Feel free to wear your all-stars.
I enjoy your blog so much that it is now listed on my own blog as one of the places I like to hang out. That won’t change.
Kitten
I, too, think your blog is interesting, and that you seem attractive. I do wish you’d stop complaining, because complaining means you’re sad, and I have a vague desire for you to be less sad. I think it’s great that you’re working out, that you have a paying job, and that you have good friends!
You wrote, “What if there’s a choice between being really kinky and being with someone? What if the choice was being submissive and alone or being vanilla and with someone you adore?” Does there have to be a choice? As I’ve gathered from your blog, you have been looking for a woman who is both dominant and compatible with you in all sorts of other ways and willing to be your one and only, and I understand that that’s a powerful ideal. Have you thought about and/or tried the many ways of doing nonmonogamy and concluded that none of those many options were right for you? If not, maybe there is a nonmonogamous route to consider–perhaps developing a relationship with a dominant woman who has at least one partner already, or maybe developing a relationship with a non-dominant woman with the understanding that you will honestly get your submissive desires fulfilled mostly outside the relationship. I know that nonmonogamy doesn’t fix everything, but it is a pretty nice way for me to get different qualities and interactions I want from different people, and it might work for you, too.
Axe, i finally had a chance to read the blog. Venting is a good thing or whatever anyone chooses to call it. My ex. therapist would say blog away!!! Just remember there are seven continents,lol!!!
ciao nola
Axe,
I agree with Sophiste non monogamy is monogamous to a degree. Imagin that you need different people in your life that serve a different purpose. You already have that to a degree,just take it a bit further.
Think of a toolbox,you need the right tool for the right job. 🙂 So until you find your swiss army knife.
You need compionship then go out for drinks with friends, you have a need for sex, from what I’ve read you can attract a woman, you need to get your ass whipped… I think you get my point.
I too think that most of what I write is bitching, but I choose to not settle, been there done that.
For the new year I deceided to take care of somethings in the between time of my search or the lack thereofmy search. Like take tai chi (which I haven’t gotten around to), I have gotten better with GoLive dreamweaver and some of my art projects are, well it’s art.
It’s your blog bitch if you want to.I look forward to your next billion post.
I’m sure it helps to write it out, however many ways/times you do so.
I understand about that need to submit, but i don’t know yet how strong the desire is, or how far i will go for it. Good Luck in your search (and it is not so easy for sub women, either, when every other guy thinks he can Dom).
“What has been will be again, what has been done will be done again; there is nothing new under the sun. Is there anything of which one can say, ‘Look! This is something new?’ It was here already, long ago; it was here before our time.” Sure perhaps it’s true. Nothing’s new. Nothing’s on the horizon. Perhaps things you write do sound the same. But as one regarded as one of the wisest, once observed, that does not mean there is no value in continuing. Similar topics; but a slightly different perspective, a different spin, a different take, a different facet. Your blog is about a journey, not a destination. Continue to write my friend. I for one will continue to read, to continue to share the thoughts, to share the feelings, share the disappointments, and share the joys. Submission I think is a need, perhaps a lesser need in comparison to some others, but a need just the same.
I read because I like the way you write and I hope to read here someday that you’ve found what you’re looking for. But until then, it’s fascinating to hear all about what it is you are looking for. No need to stop detailing that or venting frustration for not finding it.
I’m also curious how a farm boy can live in New York. Don’t you feel like a rabbit in a cage there sometimes?
I’m still reading because you are still writing. I don;t care why you do it, just don’t quit.
I’m going to be the voice of dissent here and say that if you don’t find value in your writing here, I would recommend not writing. At least until you find a way to make the experience valuable and positive for yourself again. I think we begin to feel obligated towards our blogs after a time, and I’m not convinced that’s a good thing.
This place is yours. We’re the spectators. Of course if you leave we would miss you, but only stay if *you’re* getting the benefits.
I read your blog, because I can relate. And I think that you know that I know those feelings. Not being alone is a good thing. Sometimes though it does like that’s not a great thing, if all the other “fish in the sea” are guys seeking what we’re seeking it can be pretty overwhelming. Of course there are other bodies of water, and depths to swim at.
Ok, maybe that’s enough with the metaphors.
Either way, if you ever want to chat directly just fire me an e-mail and best wishes on your journey.
I also enjoy your writing. I wish I could introduce you some of my dominant female friends down here. I hope you write when you feel the impulse and that your search brings you success.
I’m going to make a suggestion:
You occur for me as someone who goes about your search for a Domme in the context of, “How do I get what I need and/or want?”
Perhaps a shift of context would make a difference. Like, “Who can I BE that will make me even more worthy of a fantastic, Dominant Woman?” You’re already doing it to a certain degree, i.e., working out, but if you start being IN SERVICE to your dream of finding the perfect Domme for you (who no doubt is out there), I have a feeling you will be far more enlivened by the journey, as opposed to frustrated by it.
“I’ve done my share of crying the past few weeks. Sexy right?”
Actually, yes. Very.
Changing the subject, this whole thing is so bloody frustrating. I mean, *ordinary* people have a hard enough time finding relationships, so when you add the bdsm thing into the equation, I start to wonder whether it’s simply impossible. Plus, I don’t even have anything to *offer* a submissive guy at this point, I’m still utterly freaked out by the whole thing and need a safe place to take tiny baby steps, and even then it terrifies me. It all seems pretty hopeless.
However, it does help to know there are other people out there stressing over this shit too – so for my part you can throw as many pity parties as you like. This blogging business is helping me know I’m not alone. Or at least that I’m not the only one who’s alone.
I think if you settled for just anyone, you may be happy for a while, but in the end you wouldn’t be true to yourself. And even if you grew to love your partner deeply, there would be a small part of you that wished that he/she would know you sexually for everything you were, not just a part of you. I’m wrestling with this myself…having a hard time telling my partner that sometimes I want to tell him what to do (which is how our lives are most of the time;)) but most of the time I want him to be in charge. Two people who each want to please the other can be great, but it seems like we both tend to ignore our own desires for the other person, which is frustrating. I’m also interested in other things that I doubt he would be interested in, but finding a new partner is out of the question. Poor me.
Reading what you write makes me wish I could comfort you in some small way; it will all work out, you’ll find her, etc. There is nothing wrong with venting/crying/anger/frustration. I think it keeps disappointments and pain from permanently damaging your psyche (and very sexy). I’m selfish though, so I want you to keep writing so that I can enjoy it. You have to decide for yourself how best to make your journey meaningful and enjoyable, no matter the outcome. If writing is a part of that, then you shouldn’t feel guilty for what ends up on the page.
Doctor, I’ve known about your blog but haven’t read it much because I haven’t been reading any blogs lately that have more than 140 characters in length. Yes, I suck, but I was LOLLOLLOL for the “super fuck-off shield” and really wish I had read your work sooner. I’d also have to imagine with other respondents here that all residents of both Mars and Venus can stop to read and find Morsels of Goodness in every piece of your writing. (I certainly know that a woman that I was staying with recently had a huge crush on your literary noodle, but I hadn’t found it appropriate to get all friendcestuous on the two of you…)
Tangentially, you’ve said to me almost every time that I mentioned someone that I was lucky to meet ladies that want to play, and you know, sometime it does come down to luck. But as Google (or it’s agents) would report it, “Luck is when Preparation meets Opportunity”. The opportunity is something beyond my control in every instance, but the preparation was just to distance myself from the “OMG it’s happening!” aspect and not ejecting my mental wad right there. Patience, grasshopper. The chase is enjoyed by both!
Case in point was the line for SMack a few weeks back. I had nothing to gain and nothing to lose, but chose to follow the path of maximum integrity and friendliness that I know you demonstrate regularly to me whenever you and I talk. In other words, I know you are capable of it, but maybe you are letting visions of dopamine running through your head take you out of the moment (whereby it is lost…). I only identify with this through past experience of my own. Don’t feel isolated here!
Never ever forget that sexually sadistic women enjoy beating the venerable tar out of attractive males as much as we enjoy going home with marks that cause second dates anytime in the following week to require rescheduling. Just sayin!
Finally, I imagine that you have a minimum of 3x the contacts with incredible ladies in NYC than I do. (I’m being conservative, you probably have more than that). In ’02-04, I found being in such a candy store rather distracting, and ladies worth being collared by can often smell “eau de easily distracted” on a male pretty easily. This somewhat compliments what dylan said in a previous response. As you live to focus on being “in service”, your focus will reduce questions in the mind of a lady about your dedication to the goal, creating a more compelling argument to making the investment in you as a submissive.
A thought that I just had… find a lady willing to put you in chastity. Start with a few days, turn it up to a few weeks maybe after a while. Locked tight, no acceptance of escape. Oh yes, sounds totally dreamy and completely un-ob-tainable, no? Well, my idea is mental chastity with a lady that you once lusted for but instead became deeper friends with. She’ll tie something around your wrist with a rule (say, no self-loathing, or maybe something easier to start :)). You follow it or have to cut the string off as soon as you catch yourself violating. And you might let her down once or twice, but it’s going to feel great when you get through to the other side!
It’s just a party game, really, but someone’s gonna notice your Zen mastery and sweep you off your feet. That may be a meta-challenge though, are you going to stick with the program or be distracted by the shiny ball? There’s time, buddy! 🙂
Sorry to all of you if I wrote too much here. It’s all from the heart, cheers.
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